RenaissanceMama.org https://www.renaissancemama.org My Blog Mon, 28 Nov 2016 04:22:15 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.1.41 Will I ever have a baby brother or sister? https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=150 https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=150#comments Mon, 28 Nov 2016 04:22:15 +0000 http://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=150 Today was another rough day…my daughter sat on the couch with me and asked me if we were ever going to have a baby brother or sister for her?  I had to tell her that mommy tried, but it’s very hard for mommy to have babies, so we’re lucky we have her.  The baby we tried to have died because it didn’t grow big enough, and now it’s in heaven.  She got scared and said she didn’t want to go anywhere.  I tried my best to reassure her that she’s healthy and so are mommy and daddy and no one is going anywhere.  I told her again how lucky we are to have her and she said “so my aunt and uncle are lucky that they have 3 babies?”  My heart broke…..my husband tried to make her feel better by telling her she doesn’t have to share her toys, but I didn’t think that works on her now.  She doesn’t care if she has to share, because to her she needs a playmate and honestly she’s a pretty good sharer, so that doesn’t fly.  I wish I could make her feel better…my heart just breaks every time she brings it up….

]]> https://www.renaissancemama.org/?feed=rss2&p=150 0 Telling our baby girl… https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=148 https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=148#comments Sun, 27 Nov 2016 04:13:50 +0000 http://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=148 As soon as I came home from the hospital we had to tell our daughter the devastating news…she knew I was at the doctor and then the hospital.  I wasn’t home, so something wasn’t right since I had been in bed for 2 months now. I held my girl and told her the reason I was in the hospital was because something happened, the baby wasn’t big enough and it didn’t survive, so mommy doesn’t have a baby in her belly anymore.  The hysterical crying and tears that came out of my daughter is something I NEVER want to hear again.  Even though we told her the baby was in heaven, she wanted the baby now.  She wanted it to be March now, to got to heaven and bring the baby back, to play with the baby.  Why did this happen?  Was it because she tapped my belly once?  Was it her fault?  These are all question she was asking, but most of all she wanted to do anything she could to bring that baby back.  She cried herself to sleep that night and begged for that baby to be here, to be in the belly….but that isn’t going to happen…I broke my daughter…I let her down.  I exposed her to something that no child should feel…why all this pain?

]]> https://www.renaissancemama.org/?feed=rss2&p=148 0 The end! https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=146 https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=146#comments Sat, 26 Nov 2016 04:13:40 +0000 http://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=146 Well, I’ve been off of my blog for a while now.  I had complications with the pregnancy and a scare and finally a miscarriage.  The middle of October I had some spotting and then finally on November 2nd my body wasn’t holding the pregnancy any more, so I had to deliver at 19 weeks and 3 days.  Twenty tree days have passed, and I don’t feel any better, not that I should.  In my mind this was going to be my final pregnancy and now I’m forced to face the facts, that it is, but I didn’t get to bring a baby home with me.  I went to the doctor for my ultrasound, and I knew something was wrong.  I had pain during the night and it was hard for me to sleep.  The ultrasound showed that the cerclage was still there, butt he membranes were coming down.  I was told to go to the hospital and meet my doctor there.  She examined me and told me that there is nothing they could do, they needed to take the stitches out.  I was taken to the OR where I was given a spinal and an epidural r prep me for the delivery later.  It was all so surreal….I couldn’t breather, I couldn’t believe that this was happening again.  After the stitches were taken out, I was taken to a labor and delivery room.  I stayed there until contractions started naturally and then 8 hours and 58 minutes later at 10:58pm, I delivered a baby girl.  An innocent, too young to live baby girl.  I held that baby for hours, lifeless on my chest.  The last time I would hold my baby.  I felt and feel like I failed.  I did try everything, but did I do the right things?  Did I move too much, get up too much?  Stress to much?

How could I do this?  How could this happen to us again?  A fourth failed pregnancy!  My daughter will be alone?  She won’t have a brother or a sister?  I’ve never seen a child so excited for a sibling…not caring for a boy or girl, just someone to love and be with and be loves by.  Why did this happen?  How can I go on knowing that this is so final…….

]]> https://www.renaissancemama.org/?feed=rss2&p=146 0 STRESS! https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=143 https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=143#comments Thu, 06 Oct 2016 21:45:14 +0000 http://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=143 Another day of total chaos!  My daughter woke up got dressed and then when it was time to put her shoes on she flipped out.  Basically cried for another hour and then missed school.  The cried that she missed school!  This is beyond exhausting…what can I do.  I ca’t move to get up and say” hey put your shoes on”, and run out the door with her.  What a difference being in bed, and having to basically be a reason for her not to leave.  Every strategy I’ve tied hasn’t worked.  I think my only hope will be something related to my iphone and bribery, which I have never done before and I don’t believe in but we can’t keep going on like this….

]]> https://www.renaissancemama.org/?feed=rss2&p=143 0 Is it over? https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=126 https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=126#comments Thu, 29 Sep 2016 23:50:17 +0000 http://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=126 I can’t help thinking that just by sitting here on bed rest, and knowing I will be on disability and everything else for the next gazillion months, did I just put the brakes completely on my career?  Did I kill what I had at my current job and what I worked for, for so many years?  I will admit, I’ve been there for over 10 years, trying to get my next promotion, which believe it or not, even in this day and age, due to this pregnancy, I just lost a good year or the next cycle of promotions, lets just say.  My priority has always been to have another baby, and I think after my losses, it just made me feel incomplete.  I finally got to a place where I can accept (I think), what is happening right now.  And it is happening, just like I thought, I would get pregnant, if I was lucky I would work from home as long as I could, and then bed rest and that’s it.  Maybe I didn’t actually believe it would happen.  I feel like I lost the control, this is it now.  Why do I feel by doing this very natural thing, I just burned a bridge, I just said hey screw this job?  Is it time that after all these years I need to stop thinking of what “they” think of me and a

]]> https://www.renaissancemama.org/?feed=rss2&p=126 0 This child….. https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=128 https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=128#comments Wed, 28 Sep 2016 23:36:47 +0000 http://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=128 My daughter has been so excited for baby #2, as are we!  She’s always asking about the baby and what will happen when the baby comes, and what she can help with.  Since we have a log way to go I explain to her, but I also try and help her understand how long it will actually be.

Yesterday she was attending once of her art classes, and when my husband went to pick her up the instructor told him that our daughter had been a bit upset.  She had gone in a corner by herself and then when the instructor went to get her she asked her what was wrong….she said that her mommy is in bed and can’t do anything and she misses doing things with me, but that I have a baby now.  My heart sank….I love this child so much, and I know it has bee so hard…to have someone with you but nit with you.  I’m home all day, but I’m not with her.  The things we used to do together…so many things, are now happening with other people.  I try to tell myself in the scheme of things it’s for shot period of time, but what will happen to my daughter in that time?  There’s no question, ever since she found out, even tough exited, something is different.  At first I thought it was just starting school longer days, different kids, teachers, etc.  Now I’m not so sure.

I don’t really have a plan here, but I am going to try and spend more quality time with her.  Even if it’s on my bed.  If I can do that everyday, I hope that will just give comfort, where there is none right now.  You can’y go wrong with extra love and attention…right?

 

]]> https://www.renaissancemama.org/?feed=rss2&p=128 0 Freaking out! https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=138 https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=138#comments Tue, 27 Sep 2016 23:11:57 +0000 http://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=138 14 weeks pregnant and had my doctors appointment today to measure my cervix.  it’s at 3.5, which is still normal, but I cant help but freak out, because 2 weeks ago it was 5.4.  I was literally hysterical at my dr’s office and she calmed me down, but I’m so scared.  She told me to go on strict bed rest and we’ll check again in 2 weeks.  I have not moved from my bed, and my friend, the commode, has now joined my bed side.  I cant help but be nervous, but I’ll do everything I need to do to make sure this pregnancy reaches full term! Praying….

]]> https://www.renaissancemama.org/?feed=rss2&p=138 0 Stuck! https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=136 https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=136#comments Mon, 26 Sep 2016 08:00:37 +0000 http://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=136 Basically 14 weeks pregnant at this point and almost 1 month on bed rest.  The feelings are MANY…bored, overwhelmed, happy, nervous, anxious, scared, alone.  I know I need to be doing this for a healthy pregnancy, but I can’t help feeling trapped….trapped in a way, that I lay in bed all day and I really don’t have a choice of who comes and goes…my husband is doing an amazing job making 3 meals a day, doing laundry, cleaning and taking our daughter to school and all activities, but no one has time for me.  I’m not being selfish, but I wish I could sit here and talk to him, but since he’s doing EVERYTHING, the last thing he has time for is to talk.  Then my daughter just comes and plops all her books, toys, snacks, clothes (clean and dirty) all over the bed.  I can’t clean it up, then my husband gets frustrated and then we start from the beginning!  This is an up and down roller coaster, and I feel like we’re down at the moment!

]]> https://www.renaissancemama.org/?feed=rss2&p=136 0 Breakdown! https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=134 https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=134#comments Mon, 26 Sep 2016 00:24:16 +0000 http://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=134 What a day!  Today was supposed to be my daughter’s 1st day of Sunday school.  She loves going to church, basically for Sunday school and to hang out with her cousins and friends.  I really don’t know what happened, but we started with the dress….it was apparently too uncomfortable, too tight.  Then no pair of shoes apparently fit.  This went on for an hour and half…..an hour an a half of crying that she wanted to go, but she would not put anything else on.  It literally broke my heart, but she didn’t budge, and she could’t go without any clothes on!  Finally I got her changed and she missed Sunday school, she was so upset, but I’m wondering did she learn anything?  Did she learn that the longer you take, you will miss something that starts at a certain time? She obviously missed it today, but does she know for next time?  It was a very traumatic experience, for the both of us…she just laid on my bed next to me hugging me and crying for an hour…I tried to say the right things and comfort her, but I dont know really where her mind is at. I hope this was just today and we can move on to better days!  I know it’s not the end of the world, but it sure felt like it!

]]> https://www.renaissancemama.org/?feed=rss2&p=134 0 Expectations! https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=123 https://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=123#comments Sun, 25 Sep 2016 16:28:15 +0000 http://www.renaissancemama.org/?p=123 Oh boy, so we had to tell our daughter that mommy is pregnant because she was getting a little suspicious of me being home all day, and of course one of our relatives told her before we could…oh well!  So we had the conversation and I explained to her that the baby is very small right now, and we need to wait a long time for it to come….Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day will pass and then the baby will come.  She just said how excited she is and she wants a sister or it can be a boy like daddy.  I love that it doesn’t matter to her!  On the other hand, I feel a lot of pressure of not screwing this up, I mean I just need to follow doctors orders.  I feel like if I take an extra 5 steps today, did I do something that will hurt this pregancny.  I’m trying t be posisiive and just tik of how excited our little girls is and she keeps sayig she’s going to be a great big sister…yes she wil be!

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